The year is 2047. After having colonized the moon, man’s search for space has resulted in a successful landing on Mars, where twenty years previously new life forms were discovered. Man has been scrutinizing the Red Planet for centuries, but now that Martians have been clearly identified, we have sent our foremost wine critic, Robert M. Parker, Jr. to be one of the first to meet the Martians and study their culture.
The following interview is taken directly from CNN, Country News Network, founded by Neil Young, who is known to be one of Robert Parker’s favorite composers.
“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I am standing here, foremost among American wine journalists, to be the first wine critic in history to ever interview a Martian. I pronounce this a remarkable first effort. The Martians are a remarkably well evolved people, with six legs, eights heads, and a sex life that confounds the imagination. [I know, I was invited to participate.] They are extraordinary, with heaps of intelligence, gobs of a sense of humor, and a humongous talent. They have scents of white jasmine, crushed rocks, red jasmine, anise, peppercorns, chypre, lime, wet wool, mint, tobacco, horse sweat, bay leaf, oleander, and methyl salicylate. When I shook one on the hand, the sensation lasted at least 12.5 seconds.
“I rate the Martians 91 out of 100 on my infallible 100 point scale, with allowances for improvement over time. Forget the fact that I’m 100 years old as you read this, I already feel sixty-two again, which is why I’ve survived over time on a steady diet of classified growth Bordeaux. Keep the Martians at least ten years, and anticipate their maturity at 2055. Will I be alive to witness their maturity? It doesn’t matter, because Robert M. Parker, Jr. has become a registered trademark for almost a century, and I no longer exist.
“Having confirmed that, be assured, my loyal readers, that I will continue to provide exclusive live coverage of the Martians even after my death. Now please pardon me while I take a heady draught from the Fountain of Youth, to which I have given a perfect score of 100 points.”
April fool, from Frank Johnson Selections: ROBERT PARKER LANDS ON MARS