We all know that it's not polite to stereotype; but my Lord; some people make it so darn easy. They're there, at every wine festival, you can count on them. They look different than the last festival; they may part their hair on the left instead of the right, they may be bald instead of having a full head of hair. But, they return completely metamorphosed - doing exactly what they did in the last town. And, we all know them.

Pusher-uppers & puller-outers - These are my two personal favorites. Both of them make the decision that you've poured enough wine, but instead of telling you in words, they tell you in actions. The pusher uppers are those people who, once they've made their split-second decision, will forcefully push up on their glasses, causing you to jump out of your skin. No matter how many times I've experienced them, I'm never ready for the pusher-uppers. I pushed back once, just to see the expression on her face... it was classic. She looked confused. "Welcome to my world," I mused.

Another time, when I had just experienced a pusher-upper, I turned to a colleague who was pouring with me. We had a minute of down time. I said, "You know, I can't stand pusher-uppers." He looked at me quizzically... I said, "You know, those people who decide that you've poured enough wine for them and they just push their glass up at you." He said, "Well, I think that it's kinda nice. They've decided that they've had enough." I returned, "Phil, why can't they just say, ‘thank you.'" Phil thought for a second and said, "You know, you're right. What would it take to be a little polite?" I said, "My point exactly."

Then Phil said to me, "You know, I can't stand the ones who pull their glass away while you're still pouring!" I said, "Oh, you mean the puller-outers." He said, "Yeah, what are they thinking? You're pouring, and the next thing you know, they start to take their glass away while you're still pouring wine. It makes me follow their hand so I don't spill all over the place."

I said, "You know, the next time I have a pusher-upper, I'm going to push right back. I've had it." Just at that moment, my friend R.B. arrived. I was so excited.

She offered her beach home to me as overnight accommodations, and I just couldn't wait to hug her, so I said to Phil, "I'll be right back. I have to go to say "Hi" to R.B. I left the table and looked over my shoulder just in time to see red wine splashed all over the white tablecloth. I looked at Phil, and he gave me this mischievous wink. Later he told me that the very next guy turned out to be a puller-outer. At first Phil started to follow him, then he thought, "What the heck..." and let ‘er rip. Horrified, the husband exclaimed, "That's the second time that's happened to me tonight!" His wife retorted, "Get a clue!"

Takes It All Too Seriously - There is one man I'll never forget... he made my day when he called me "Young Lady;" it's been so long since I've been called "Young Lady;" usually it's "Mamm." I had just poured a Chardonnay that he had asked for, and I went into the adjectives; you know, apple, citrus, butter. He stopped me dead in my tracks, "Young lady, do not presume to tell me what I'm going to find on my palate." Yawn!

Yin-Yang - I'll Have Something Red has a twin... I'll Have Something White. Have you ever been tempted to just pick up two bottles (say a Cabernet and a Merlot) and simultaneously pour each in his/her glass" It could be followed with, "There you go, my own concoction. I'm thinking of going into winemaking. Whaddaya think?"

Cleanliness is NOT next to Godliness - These folks have to rinse after each and every pour of wine. Okay, I'd much rather dilute my wine with wine. After three hours of tasting, do these guys really believe that they're tasting anything purely anymore?

Blotters - Who told them that they could rinse out their glasses and turn them upside down on my tablecloth? Oh, those dirty rings!

Bell Ringers - These guys must love to ring the bell for the Salvation Army at Christmas, because they spend the rest of the year rinsing their glasses, then shaking them all over the event like they're ringing the bell for the poor kids might not have a Christmas without their monumental efforts. My friend Dan likes to call them Flicker Dorks, but Bell Ringers works, too.

The Whole World's a Phone Booth - They think they're alone. The tent has 1,000 people in it, but they're so lonely that they have to call friends to tell them how much they're missed; meanwhile, they're missing the tasting. And, with the constant drone of the murmuring crowd, how much can anyone really hear... and who cares!

Dish Washers - Where do these guys get off thinking that my ice tub is their kitchen sink? Each and every person adds more spit than the last. And when you tell them that they're about the tenth person to wash his glass, they just shrug. Yeoooooo!

Garbage People - Where do these guys get off thinking that my spit bucket is their trashcan? I pity the guys whose job it is to empty the spit wine into a sink Before they do they have to remove tooth picks, napkins, paper plates, left over food, etc.

"Don't Over Do It!" - My return for this jibe is, "You either!" The same guy who can't get enough wine from a pour invariably spills red wine all over his shirt before the event ends. (Dribble, dribble little louse, I saw you dribble on your new silk blouse!)

"You Can Do Better Than That" - Usually evokes, "Oh, I didn't realize that we've slipped from the tasting portion to the drinking portion of the program!"

"Ya Look Like The Concierge" - "Do you know where XYZ Winery is?" I usually say, "Yeah, in the Sierra Foothills."

The Last Half Hour All Hell Breaks Loose,
And it Had Better Be Tied Down or You Can Kiss it Goodbye...

It's-almost-the-end-of-the-event, here - let me drop off my garbage on your linen. Well, I would, but I really need to keep a tidy presence right up to the end.

It's-the-end-of-the-event, you've turned your back, here - let me pour for myself. Well, I would, except this isn't my living room, and you're not my new best friend.

It's-the-end-of-the-event, you've turned your back, here - let me steal your table decorations. Well, I would, except I'll just have to buy them again for the next event, and my boss won't understand my constant spending on plastic grapes.

It's-the-end-of-the-event, you've got a big bottle on your table, here - let me walk out with it. Well, I would but I promised it to a restaurateur who's sold a lot of my wine and earned it.

It all gets packed up, what's left of it, for the next city, and then it all starts again. Thank God the nice folks are handily sprinkled in-between the stereotypes. wbm